In Wham!’s iconic video of their hit song, “Last Christmas” (circa 1985), a bitter and despondent George Michael, upon arriving with friends at a cabin in the mountains, reminisces with melancholy over the woman to whom “Last Christmas” he gave his heart, “but the very next day [she] gave it away.”
As a means of protecting his now fragile heart, George Michael resolves “this year” to “give it to someone special.” Someone other than the bitch he gave it to at the cabin in the mountains last year.
It is of this writer’s opinion that it is quite possible that this beloved hit is not merely one of an incalculable number of Christmas songs played repeatedly during the month of December, but a 4-minute and 38-second metaphor for the clap.
See also: Gonorrhea.
The music video’s plot gets underway: Last minute arrivals show up; people jovially dance about the cabin in Z. Cavariccis; those with some semblance of responsibility are setting the table in preparation for the evening’s annual holiday feast of friends.
At some point during all of this preparation, George Michael decides to trim the Christmas Tree (See Also: Holiday Tree), and thus we have our story’s “inciting incident.”
As if orchestrated with epic precision by divine providence, the infamous woman of last Christmas’s relational letdown also happens to be trimming the tree. It is not without a sense of irony that when she appears on frame, she happens to be on her knees.
Leopards truly never change their spots.
George Michael and said trollop come face to face, revealing a moment of tension on both parties. Eyes locked, George Michael regards her with seething resentment for a brief but uncomfortable moment before he turns and swishes away to another decorating engagement off camera.
Inevitably, we are plunged into the second Act as George Michael and company share a delicious meal together around a large table, all within vicinity of a crackling fire. But the Duraflame in the fireplace is not the only thing in this scene that is burning.
It is during said feast that George Michael steals a playful glance at the harlot of “Last Christmas,” and the audience is left with the indelible impression that George Michael’s hard heart is, alas, softening up.
Nonetheless, they do not re-consummate their once passionate relationship. Ironic, seeing as this was, after all, the Reagan 80s and hedonism was in its zenith at the time.
However, George Michael leaves the holiday affair (albeit with his other “someone special”) having forgiven the whore from “Last Christmas” for her past transgression.